I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
