sarcasm needs its own font
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
