My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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