im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize