The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
