either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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