sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
