i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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