You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
