Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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