I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
