I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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