The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
