But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
