Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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