i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
