My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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