Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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