Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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