Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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