I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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