You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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