Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
