Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Swine flu is the new snow day.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
