im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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