chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
