I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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