I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
