I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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