I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
