Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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