If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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