honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
