If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
