OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
