im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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