Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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