I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What a dumb baby whore.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
