The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
