I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
