I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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