Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
