That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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