You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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