just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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