Only a mothe r could love this liver
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm at about main and main street
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
