dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
