Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
