I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
