Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
