3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
