My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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