you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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