Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
