good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
