I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
