I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
