How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
