dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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