her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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