haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
