So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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