I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
