I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
