I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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