fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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