Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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