I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
