sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize