Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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