M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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