i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
