i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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