i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My ATM looks so different sober.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
