I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
